Question Examples

Question 1
What is an “arrangement”, as in a certain type of relationship between a woman and a man? I believe it's some kind of semi formal agreement whereby perhaps the man provides something for the woman. The term was used as a common buzzword, but I'm not sure what she means.

Answer
The word “arrangement” in the Oxford Dictionary means to ‘plan for a future event’. In some cases (especially among the wealthy), before a man and woman are married they CAN ‘plan for a future event’ by having an “arrangement” or “prenuptial agreement” (also known as a prenup) drawn up before the wedding or civil union. This arrangement or prenup would consist of a contract, drawn up and entered into by both parties before the marriage or civil union takes place. Its contents can vary but usually consists of provisions of the division of property if the couple were ever to divorce and any rights to support or maintain the spouse either during or after the marriage has ended.

Under (US) law, the prenuptial agreement MUST consist of 5 elements to be valid:
1. Agreements must ALWAYS be in writing.
2. They must be executed voluntarily.
3. Full disclosure and/or fair at the time of execution.
4. The agreement can't be unconscionable, in other words it can't be unfair to one party.
5. It must be executed by BOTH parties (not their attorneys/lawyers) in the correct manner for a deed to be recorded known as an acknowledgement before an attorney/lawyer.

Prenuptial agreements can take the form of a marriage contract for couples proposing to be married and a cohabitational agreement for unmarried couples.

I hope this answers your question.

Feedback:
Thank you very much for the help. You definitely clarified the issue, and in a timely manner. I needed an accurate answer fast, and you came through.

Question 2
We were married three and a half years. It was both our second marriages. She has two minor children and I have five minor children. She took hers and left about three months ago. I am 49 and she is 48. I love her dearly. She felt that she needed to raise her children alone because the children don't want her to be with me. They are teens and found that being with their mother without me or my children was better. I just need to get her out of my mind. Our divorce is going to be final next week. She has signed all the papers, I just need to see her attorney tomorrow and sign them. I just wish I wouldn't think of her so much, I love her with all my heart and her children. My children love her too. I just want to know how I can get her out of my mind, and move on with my life and care for my children, please help...

Answer
It is always hard when a marriage splits up and one partner is left hurt and still very much in love but of course to have a “successful” marriage takes two willing partners. It's hard enough to have a successful marriage in this day and age WITHOUT children but with a ‘ready made’ family it can be more difficult to down right impossible.

You don't say how your wife feels in all of this. Does she still love you but feels compelled to leave BECAUSE of her children's demands? It is obviously pretty definite that this divorce is going to happen according to your letter which is sad if she DOES still have feelings for you.

The only thing to do here is to throw yourself into your work and your children. Keep yourself busy, steep yourself in a new hobby. It will hurt really badly just now but time IS a great healer and as the months pass, so too will the hurt.

You are not alone, there are hundreds of couples who split up every day where one is left “grieving” for the other partner and I'm sure if you spoke with one of them a year or so down the line they would agree that only time and a positive attitude worked for them.

You have to think about your children here. They NEED you to be there for them and to be a strong role model for them. Don't cave in but keep your chin up not just for them but for YOU. You will get over her in time even although things feel pretty hopeless for you at the moment. THAT'S A FACT!!!

Feedback:
Awesome answer! Thanks so much!

Question 3
I have been in a relationship with a man for past 10 months, he used to kiss me like a great kisser but after two three months into our relationship he started kissing me with his closed mouth and started saying I'm having pain, sore throats and lots of other excuses. He did say to me once “tell me something to make my tongue stronger”. I persistently asked him to kiss me the way you used to kiss me. I feel dejected and upset when I see other couples lip locking. Please help and tell me the solution? Thank you.

1st Response
I understand that you would feel dejected and upset at this but could you explain your situation a little more and answer these questions for me. How long were you going out together when he first started to kiss you with his mouth closed? Is your oral hygiene up to the mark? Is it possible you may be suffering from Halitosis (bad breath)? Has he ever “french” kissed you before (kissing with tongues)?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question and give you the best advice possible.

Thank you for taking time and read my question. I have been going out with him for more than 6 months now when he stopped giving me kisses with his open mouth. Yes we used to french kiss a lot, for like minimum 10 minutes, but strangely enough while in bed after he sleeps, he wakes up in the middle of night and kisses me with his open mouth rather than give me french kisses, but when he is not sleepy he doesn't. Yes! I did think this way, maybe he is getting away because of halitosis, but I use mouth sprays, mints and brush my teeth regularly to keep my breath fresh, but this doesn't work either, even if I can feel halitosis in him, I never pull myself away from him and want to kiss him no matter what because I really love him.

2nd Response
What did you say to him when he said “tell me something to make my tongue stronger”? That seems a funny thing to ask a woman. What do you think he meant by that? I'll give you my answer once you finish answering this question for me okay?

Yeah! he does funny things although a 39 year old guy himself and PE instructor by profession, when he said the tongue thing to me, I pointed out my finger towards my heart and said it all comes from here, you don't need any therapy. To me it was just he didn't want to kiss me he and is giving me excuses. I don't know why he has been acting like that for so long, and I'm sure he is not seeing anyone else, but he had a big baggage of relationships. Whenever I ask him to hug me and kiss me he's always like "be patient". There are times when I hold back my feelings , stay patient , waiting for him but for how long and for kissing and hugging I don't think so, one must wait or ask his/her partner for it? It comes from within. He is very nice and down to earth, physically he used to be really good but now he wants to do one thing physically that's sex without foreplay, just touch those parts of his with mine that is necessary for sex and keeps his face and upper body away. Is this a serious matter? He doesn't even kiss me on my face, where previously he used to. He is now so stiff about it.

Answer
Yes, I would say you have big problems here. There is always a reason for everything and if he can't tell you the real reason then I think you'll have to rethink this relationship. He wasn't this way all the time so SOMETHING has changed for him to act this way.

You're right, you shouldn't need to have to ask to kiss someone you love, it should be spontaneous between you, something that comes naturally and if he feels he can't do this with you then I would say there is something seriously wrong, he may be cheating he may not but you'll have to talk to him some more and get it cleared up. The fact that you tell me when he makes love to you he just goes through the motions with no body contact in the form of kissing, hugging etc tells me he IS just using you as a release for sex. He is being totally and utterly selfish here. Foreplay is a big part of making love to a woman, she needs time to “heat up” and this is what foreplay does. You must feel terrible when he's like that with you, like a piece of meat! I would have a SERIOUS talk with him about this. If he can't show you the affection you deserve then I would kick him to the kerb and find someone else who can! You deserve better.

Feedback:
Very helpful and understandable reasoning and reply. Highly recommended. Feel light now.

Question 4
For seven months you have been a constant in someone's life, you know where they are when they are there and you are on the phone with them for hours at a time, if you are not with them you are close, very close with this person. You know each other better then anyone else, I mean you know what they will say before they do. He lets you know that he trusts only you that you are his girl that he counts on you.

Then that someone's work schedule changes and now they work 3-12am, big change for us both but mostly for me because I have become so used to getting off with the person and waking up with that person, now to see that person during the week you have to make the sacrifice to stay up till they get off to be with them or you get up and talk to that person on the phone. I am his girl I feel like that should be expected of me, I do that or I have to wait till the weekend that is not promised to you because of my babysitter situation.

He tells me that because you have to work early that you should not come down during the week any more (about a 30 minute drive that you don't mind taking because you are invested in the relationship) so my first thought is oh you don't want to see me during the week any more why? He gets mad at that and thinks I think he is sleeping with someone else. The next day he says that he is not going to call after work any more because I need my sleep, so I say if you don't want to talk to me then fine, that is how I took it. Why all the changes? He got mad and told me that is not what he meant and that I should know that. No, I know that is logic but I want to get up for him, that is the only time we really get to talk as I am at work when he is getting up getting ready for work so I get to talk to him briefly before that maybe but I am used to getting to talk to him before bed whether I am with him or on the phone.

Since he got this new job he has been going out with the guys after work for drinks, fine once or twice a week cool. I found out today that they have been going out with females that they work with and I'm unsettled by that. Don't get me wrong I trust my man but why do things have to change and why is he getting mad when I question his intent? I don't know, unless he tells me or I ask. Why do I have an icky feeling? Have I created something that is not there or am I legitimate in my fears? He hung up on me this morning and then didn't want to talk about it like he is offended that I think there maybe is something going on. He called me to yell at me and to let me know he would not tolerate his faithfulness and that he does not want to talk about it any more and he told me that he calls me when he can but he is feeling smothered and that I want all of his time but my issue is I have always had it, he tells me that he does not want to let me go but he will if I cannot control the drama.

Answer
In a way I sympathise with you. The past 7 months have been wonderful for you. Your soul focus has been on your man, now, after a job change things have changed between you both. He doesn't have the same amount of "free" time to talk with you and see you the way he once did.

When he told you not to come down during the week any more you immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought it was because he didn't want to see you (maybe even that he might be seeing someone else.) You have to understand that he still wants you, (he's told you that) but his work schedule is a lot heavier now and it takes time for the body clock to adjust to the time changes. Before, he may not have had many friends, now he's going out more with colleagues from his work and this is making you a little jealous. You have to lighten up... or you'll lose him. Give him his space and he'll come to you! When he calls you or you meet, let it be pleasant and fun, all he sees is hassle and arguments, hence the reason he's not calling you as often.

Because of these changes in his job and hence his life, you are feeling a bit left out (which I can understand to an extent) but you have to trust him and stop being so jealous. This jealousy is smothering him. You have the kids and find it hard to get out, why don't you ask some friends over or organise a babysitter and go out with some friends while your man is at work. If you don't call as often he'll wonder what YOU'RE doing, why you're not calling him and he'll call you. Let him MISS you.... let HIM chase you. If you continue wanting all of his time then the arguments will continue and you'll end up losing him. He's said he doesn't want to let you go so listen to him.

This relationship can still work. Let him call you, give him some space and trust him. Keep yourself busy and find friends and other interests to keep you occupied. Do things with the kids, take them places. Like I said let him miss YOU. He'll soon be on the phone calling you up again and looking forward to seeing you. I wish you all the best in your relationship.

Feedback:
She was very helpful and her advice was right on point.

Question 5
My wife and I got back together after being separated for 6 months, she had slept with someone during that time and did things with him that she would not do with me. I feel like I am in competition with the other man.

1st Response
Could you explain your situation a little more? How do you know what she did with this other man, did she tell you? He's out of her life now.... right? Are you both happy again apart from your fear of the competition?

Yes she told me because I asked. I was with someone else too and disclosed what I did as well but I did not do certain things that she did with him. It bothers me because it appears it was easy for here to open up to him and be physically comfortable with him. He is a child psychologist and lives in San Diego, he is out of her life and we have been great since we got back together 3 weeks ago. I love my wife but I can't get over that she was intimate in ways that we were not. Now I feel I have to live up to this and am having performance anxiety.

Answer
Thanks for clarifying things for me. Sometimes when people split up they tend to be a bit of a rebel, doing things they might not normally do, it can be their way of coping. I know when I split up from my ex husband I started smoking, I'd never smoked in my life but thought "there's nothing to stop me, why shouldn't I?" I hated it but did it anyway.

Maybe she's always wanted to try new things with you but didn't know how to "ask?" Would you be willing to try any of these things? Would you be comfortable trying it with her? You don't say what it was so I can't be more specific here but at least she was honest with you, she didn't have to be. Maybe she didn't enjoy it as much as you think she did? Look at it this way, you have both got back together, if she didn't want to be with you she wouldn't be. She's chose you over this man, that must say something about her feelings for you?

If this bothers you then talk to her about it, don't keep it bottled up. I'm sure she must be thinking of you with the other woman too and when you make love to her (even if she doesn't mention it) she'll be thinking "I wonder how she did this" "I wonder if he preferred the way she kissed" things like that so it's not all one sided.

Talk to her about it, (if you want to try it out then do so) if not then forget it and enjoy your wife. We all do things out of character when life isn't going as well as we might hope so put it out of your mind. You don't have to live up to anything but to be yourself, show your wife how much you care about her, tell her you love her and you missed her, make her feel wanted. Like I said, it's YOU she's with and YOU she loves. Remember that!

Feedback:
Extremely helpful and supportive. Very understanding and knowledgeable.

Question 6
I have been with my boyfriend for two years I'm in the States and he is in Canada, we fly back and forth when we can and use many other forms of communication. We have discussed how were going to continue the relationship, he has no problem with moving to the States but he claims he will not do it until he pays back at least 50 percent of his loans and makes more money to actually get the visa. When I ask him well what about marriage he says not until we are more stable money wise but getting a visa through marriage is a lot easier and I'd prefer that. I love him but I am tired of waiting around on promises. I really am unsure if our dreams will come true or how long it will take considering his stable attitude for he never gives me a clear date. I feel that our love for each other should be more important than how stable we are and I'm not sure if I am wasting my time in this relationship or if I should hold out and wait. Need answers.

1st Response
How much does he owe on his loans do you know? How long have you both been talking about marriage? Can I ask your sun signs?

His debt about 50K he is a engineer as far as career goes.) We bring up marriage on and off for the past 2 years but we don't really talk about it in depth since he feels he must be stable and since he's not living here. I'm a Virgo he is a Capricorn.

Answer
Thanks for getting back to me. I can see his reasoning, he wants to provide you with the best future materially that he can and that is an admirable quality. So he wants to pay off at least 50%. So how long will it take him to pay off 25K, that's what you need to be asking yourself. He's an engineer so he makes good money, why don't you ask him to compromise. Ask him to pay off 10K and THEN think of moving to be with you. If you work too then he'll have 2 wages coming in and it will be paid off quicker.

Capricorns like security so I know where he's coming from and Virgo's are worriers so I see your fears also. I suggest you give it at least another year, meanwhile build up your relationship with the intention of him moving up in a year. Tell him you miss him and how much it hurts when you are apart then ask him to compromise, see what he says. He may be able to get a transfer from his job to your country, put that to him too. All you want to know is if he's really serious about moving to be with you, if he says yes then you have something to work on.

So... you ask him for a compromise, see how much he can pay back in 1 year THEN he moves, like I said, mention to him that you will have a wage coming in also and that should help too. You could also point out to him that at the moment you are both paying TWO rents or mortgages being apart, only paying one will help considerably. Talk it over with him next time you are together. Try not to do it over the net or over the phone as it will only make him edgy, much better to do it when face to face, that way you can read his body language too.

Your love for one another is very important but you can't pay the bills with love. He sounds really sensible so put these points to him next time you are together, meanwhile let that love grow and hopefully he'll compromise and move within a year.

Feedback:
Thanks so much! I re evaluated my feelings and had an in depth talk with my partner and we have cleared the air! You're GREAT!

Question 7
You've helped me a lot in the past. I recently had an introspective moment and realized that I have trouble connecting with people. I think I've realized what it is, it's that I'm not flexible when I'm talking to people, meaning that I have a certain map in my head of what I want to happen in the conversation and when it doesn't go that way, like maybe I'm interrupted and didn't say what I wanted to say, or the conversation seems forced, I get tense. My friend confirmed this with me when he said that sometimes when I'm talking to someone I have a strange moment when I'm looking away. I attribute this to my fear and stress that the conversation isn't going the way I planned it, and I'm not sure what to do to continue with it. This makes me emit a negative vibe. I also feel like I don't always want to listen to the full extent of what someone is telling me, and so I feel like I'm battling them to cut them off, or I just have no interest in what they're saying, probably because I'm more concerned about what I want to say, but I'm not as long winded as other people are.

I believe this inflexibility with the way conversations go is similar to how I'm inflexible when it comes to sex. I'm just a very sensitive person I guess. I'm not sure if you follow exactly what I'm saying, let me know if you need clarification on anything. But what I'm wondering is how is the best way for me to learn to be a better conversationalist and send better vibes to others?

Thanks in advance.

Answer
What you talk about regarding connecting with people is very common, more so in men than women. When someone talks to you, instead of relaxing and enjoying the conversation, your mind is racing ahead thinking of HOW you're going to reply, what you're going to say etc and this is taking your concentration away from what's actually being said! Your friend noticed that you had lost the thread of the conversation when you looked away. Instead of worrying about how the conversation is going to go, just listen… clear your mind and don't always think you have to FIX or have a remedy to their questions (if they have a problem). Sometimes people just want to talk to get things off their chest and let off steam, that's why they talk with their friends, it's just a release for them. If they want an opinion about something then they'll ask... what do you think I should do? Of course, sometimes what they yak on about can be boring and we're NOT really interested but we listen out of courtesy. If you find what they're conversing about to be just idle chatter then reply with a laugh and change the subject onto something that does interest you.

Here are some good pointers for you.

1. LISTEN to what they're saying. This is the most important part of any conversation. Conversation might all be about talking but it won't go anywhere if the listener is too busy thinking of what to say next so pay attention to what's being said.

2. ASK QUESTIONS that require more than a yes or no answer. If you're not clear on a point, ask them to clarify their answer, how do they feel about this, then paraphrase back what their saying using your own words. This shows respect for the other person when you use "your speaking turn" to show you have been genuinely listening. They then have the chance to correct your understanding, affirm it or embellish on it.

3. MAKE EYE CONTACT. Give the person you're talking with your 100% attention and look at them when they speak as this shows them you are interested in what they have to say.

4. COMPLIMENT THEM. Try to find something you admire about the other person and compliment them on it. Everyone likes to be complimented and doing so will cause the other person to warm to you. Make sure the compliments are genuine though and not just flattery as they'll see through this and think you have no real interest in them.

5. DO NOT PANIC OVER LULLS. This is a point where you could easily inject your thoughts into the discussion. If the topic seems to have run out, use the pause to think for a moment and identify another conversation topic or question to ask them. Did something they said remind you of something else you have heard, something that happened to you, or bring up a question or topic in your mind? Mention it and you'll transition smoothly into further conversation.

Feedback:
Carol has a great insight into the way I am. It is uncanny the way she gives the perfect advice to me based on how I ask her questions. After I apply her advice, I immediately see positive results. I go back to Carol again and again because it would be hard for a therapist to do a better job than she does.

Question 8
What is the relevance of Psychology Counselling?

Answer
Psychology: "the scientific study of the human mind; the way in which someone thinks or behaves."

Counselling: "advise or recommend; to give professional help or advice to someone with psychological or personal problems"

The difference between the two is with regard to the training they receive. I have given you a link below which you can look at in more detail. This particular link gives you the differences between Clinical Psychology and Counselling Psychology. In this example, Counselling Psychology programs seem best suited for those with established interests in the vocational and career processes, human diversity, and professional training whereas students with an abiding interest in psychopathological populations and in behavioural health will more likely find these in Clinical Psychology programs.

http://www.psichi.org/pubs/articles/article_73.asp

I hope this helps.

Feedback:
Amazingly quick response. THANK YOU.

Question 9
Hi, my name is Joanne. I have had a friend for about 3 years who was married until about 12 months ago. When he became single again, I was thrilled with his separation and waited about six months before I approached him and told him I liked him. The truth of the matter is, I think I am in love with him. We chat quite frequently and sometimes when I see him at work his flirting advances take me by surprise. We are subcontractors who until just recently, worked for the same builder but in different occupations. About a month ago, as a laugh, he tried really hard to pull my trousers down at work. They didn't go down, thankfully, but this has left me a little confused as to what it means. He said he was trying to scare me. Another time, in September, I gave him a gift and he looked as though he wanted to kiss me. I brought a birthday present for one of his 3 children, when I gave it to him to pass it on to her, he asked if I would like to give it to her myself. What does all this mean?

1st Response
This friend obviously knows you well and feels comfortable around you. Were there other people around at the time when he tried to pull your trousers down? Sounds to me as if it was just a bit of tomfoolery however I would let him know that it was out of order and to never try and do that again to you. Sounds more like he was trying to embarrass you rather than scare you. No matter how comfortable you feel around one another, there are boundaries which must not be stepped over. How old are you both and how long have you known one another?

The fact he asked you if you wanted to give the gift in person to his child sounds positive. He's comfortable with you meeting his children (have you met them before?) I would continue to be friends with him and keep talking, get to know more about one another but have serious talks too. Go out for coffee together, he's single again after all and see where things lead. I'm sure he knows you like him too and it will only be a matter of time before you both get involved. Play hard to get with him though, guys like the challenge of the chase.

I just have one more question for the moment. Who should make the first move when asking for a date? Should I wait patiently for him to ask or should I take the initiative? I have asked him previously to go to the movies with me and to take his kids along. (I wanted to take them to see Garfield 2) He said yes but it didn't eventuate as the movie had stopped being showed at the cinemas. You know as well as I do that I would love to go with just him and me. The situation is, he has the children every weekend and we both work during the week. I am willing to go on a Thursday night, but will he?

And no, you certainly didn't tell me too much, you have given me a proper understanding of Michael. He is exactly how you explained him to be.

Answer
No, you can take the initiative here and ask him out after work, that won't offend him. Suggest going to a movie one night after work, if he is genuinely too tired he'll tell you, offer to get some take away and go over to your house, that way you can both be alone together. If he has the children every weekend it will be difficult for you both to have time alone together so grab the chance. He likes debates and will give a good argument if he believes he's right lol. If he sees you interacting well with the children then this is a bonus too.

Feedback:
Carol is absolutely wonderful to talk to. She has helped me a lot.